Start clicking your finger as you read this… each click represents a second in time that you’re living right now, and keep clicking till you get to the end.
You’re talking to a man, who in a period of 12 months lost a father to cancer, a daughter to suicide during the lockdowns – never got to say goodbye, a cousin who I loved like a sister to cancer during the lockdowns-never got to say goodbye, and a friend who was like a brother to me to Covid in Vegas -never got to say goodbye.
Along with all this loss, my business in on life support; I teach acting for a living. I have no idea what it will look like when we open if in fact it exists at all. Actors have no money because most of them lost their jobs during the lockdowns, theatre, and film productions are on their knees, it will be a real struggle for any of us to make a living in the entertainment Industry across the board. Keep in mind, this wasn’t a hobby for me, or a passion that came late into my life. I have done nothing but made my living in this Industry since I was 19, I have studied and dedicated my entire life to acting and all facets of it. And it’s not like I had no other choices, I walked away from a Science scholarship at Uni, and a very good family business which I could’ve taken over If I wanted to (a bakery at the Vic Market) I chose this path! I have studied for over 15 years in L.A. with amazing teachers, I have worked with some of the world’s best actors, I know my shit! I chose this field because… this is where my heart and soul feel at home. This is my life.
Keep clicking your fingers.
After all this loss, I now have a new friend… GRIEF! Grief is the monster you never want to meet, it will shatter every single bone in your body, it will rip your stomach out with every single breath you take. Grief is my new companion, and it will be with me till the very last breath I take.
I am getting a lot of help from therapists, people who call or text, or make a post on social media, or drive by and ask forgive me a hug or send gifts to our front door just because… it all helps me get to the end of the day. All this support isn’t just wanted, it’s needed.
It’s needed because it helps me stay alive, stay sane because getting out of bed and getting to the end of the day can be a real challenge sometimes. When you go through so much loss in such a short time, especially losing a child in that manner, you question every move, every choice you ever made in your entire life… everything! It destroys you, it completely shattered everything I was and believed in. When you get that low, you can choose to sit in that abyss of darkness and pain, or you can click your fingers, and start to realise that you are living a split second, and you can choose to be in pain and misery, or you can choose to live, to be present, to be honest to yourself, to be fearless, to live with love and kindness, and to appreciate every single second you have left. I have a wife that is going through her own journey with all this, two amazing sons to be a father to, family and relatives that I love and adore, and a universe of friends that most people will not have in a lifetime. I appreciate it all so much now, and I will continue to do so, because I need all that appreciation and positive energy, so I can fight the darkness and agony that grief brings. I have learned that lesson at the cost of losing so many beautiful people I had in my life. If I don’t learn anything from their death, then their deaths have been for nothing. I must grow and become the best person I can be, maybe the person I was always meant to be. Three years before my daughter was born, an unsolicited psychic approached me on the streets of Venice Beach in CA. and said to me… “When you turn 36, the woman that will change your life and make you become the man you’re meant to be, will enter your life. “ Three years later, I turned 36 and a week later Athenie was born. Her death has set me on a path to become the best person I can me, with every single one of by actions, and with every single second that I have left in my life.
I have learned this lesson at a massive price, I want you to learn it, without paying the price I did.
So, as you keep clicking your fingers, how do you want to spend the rest of your life?